Horrific Nightmares
Nov. 27th, 2019 03:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaebe Last night I had what might have been the most horrific one I've ever had. A lot of it was run-of-the-mill, and included anxieties about tabling at my first con in January, but...
Then there was the part where I got a "yeast infection". It wasn't a yeast infection. My brain does this thing where if I'm sick in dreams, it grabs whatever phrase I've been talking about lately, and slaps it on. Since that was a side effect of one of my new meds, plus I did struggle with godawful ones when I was younger (story for another day), pretty sure that's why.
Basically, my skin was developing these scales, like really thick scabs, and they were spreading quickly. When I touched one and tried to pick it a little, gently, it came off...with massive chunks of my skin and flesh. So I went to the hospital.
Somewhere along the way, I either passed out or was knocked out. When I woke up, a doctor was finishing up sewing me. I thought it was maybe the missing flesh areas, but...no. It was my vagina. And it wasn't thread, it was sharp wire. He was stitching all through it and its various parts, and then closing it up.
I freaked, as you might expect. It was excruciatingly painful, and I worked frantically to get it undone. I grabbed some scissors and cut at the wire. I got almost all of it out, except the most painful part going through my clitoris. I was desperately trying to figure out what to do, when Z came in and woke me up.
The only thing I could figure was maybe the wire had to do with something a couple of days ago. When I was dressing, I caught some old scars of mine in the mirror. They were caused by when I used to bind myself with wire for 8 to 48 hours. It wasn't a big deal for me to notice at the time. But maybe it affected me more than I realized.
Z suggested it was trauma-related. And immediately I was like, nonono, there was nothing to cause that kind of trauma. And before I could finish my sentence, I was like....shit. And realized I'd fallen back into the "nothing happened with my father" denial. Who knows how long I've been there.
So I've been a mess all day. All I could manage was playing Stardew Valley, until Y massively startled me and was very flippant and dismissive about it. I wound up shaking and crying and needing Z for a good while to calm down enough to make it back to the couch. I was super dizzy. I couldn't calm down, so he got me a lorazapam. It's helping, but mostly I want to just cry. Part of me wants to retreat to bed, but now I'm afraid of bed and sleep...again. I had just gotten that fear calmed down literally two days ago.
I needed to write this out, even though I really really didn't want to. Now I can go back to trying to forget it ever happened. We're going out to Michael's and Costco now, so hopefully the medicine will help me stay calm until we get back home.
Then there was the part where I got a "yeast infection". It wasn't a yeast infection. My brain does this thing where if I'm sick in dreams, it grabs whatever phrase I've been talking about lately, and slaps it on. Since that was a side effect of one of my new meds, plus I did struggle with godawful ones when I was younger (story for another day), pretty sure that's why.
Basically, my skin was developing these scales, like really thick scabs, and they were spreading quickly. When I touched one and tried to pick it a little, gently, it came off...with massive chunks of my skin and flesh. So I went to the hospital.
Somewhere along the way, I either passed out or was knocked out. When I woke up, a doctor was finishing up sewing me. I thought it was maybe the missing flesh areas, but...no. It was my vagina. And it wasn't thread, it was sharp wire. He was stitching all through it and its various parts, and then closing it up.
I freaked, as you might expect. It was excruciatingly painful, and I worked frantically to get it undone. I grabbed some scissors and cut at the wire. I got almost all of it out, except the most painful part going through my clitoris. I was desperately trying to figure out what to do, when Z came in and woke me up.
The only thing I could figure was maybe the wire had to do with something a couple of days ago. When I was dressing, I caught some old scars of mine in the mirror. They were caused by when I used to bind myself with wire for 8 to 48 hours. It wasn't a big deal for me to notice at the time. But maybe it affected me more than I realized.
Z suggested it was trauma-related. And immediately I was like, nonono, there was nothing to cause that kind of trauma. And before I could finish my sentence, I was like....shit. And realized I'd fallen back into the "nothing happened with my father" denial. Who knows how long I've been there.
So I've been a mess all day. All I could manage was playing Stardew Valley, until Y massively startled me and was very flippant and dismissive about it. I wound up shaking and crying and needing Z for a good while to calm down enough to make it back to the couch. I was super dizzy. I couldn't calm down, so he got me a lorazapam. It's helping, but mostly I want to just cry. Part of me wants to retreat to bed, but now I'm afraid of bed and sleep...again. I had just gotten that fear calmed down literally two days ago.
I needed to write this out, even though I really really didn't want to. Now I can go back to trying to forget it ever happened. We're going out to Michael's and Costco now, so hopefully the medicine will help me stay calm until we get back home.
